GOLEMFINGER


***** AN AMAZING AND INCREDIBLE PARANORMAL ESPIONAGE THRILLER FROM THE WEIRD ADVENTURES OF DANIEL RUMANOS!!! *****

I cast a bolt of my Algolitish orange and blue energy directly at the thing’s midsection. It had little effect. Sure, the monstrosity backed up a few paces, but it then resumed lumbering forward as if totally unharmed. Bloody Hell.

My name is RUMANOS -- DOCTOR DANIEL RUMANOS, Supernatural Swashbuckler and Intergalactic Man of Mystery. Even though I have the appearance of a strikingly handsome human gentleman, tall and muscular, with Anglo-Semitic features and long dark hair; I am in reality far more than this. I do carry within my blood the superior genes of the enigmatic Watchers of the Daemon-Star Algol, this extraterrestrial heritage granting me numerous powers and abilities that appear as “magic” to the people of planet Earth. Although most Algolites keep to themselves, merely observing the goings on of the Universe around them, I am an agent for a secret service organisation known as the KOSMIKOS, hidden deep within the government of our home world of Daemonia, and it is therefore my ongoing mission to utilise my alien gifts in order to defend the weak and the oppressed from those who would harm, harass, or exploit them.

I am greatly aided in this task by my beautiful and eternally-youthful wife, KATRINA. As the result of a bizarre laboratory experiment, she possesses the ability to generate and control the Mystical Flame, a wonderful vermillion and violet fire that can be used in defence and battle. She has thus become my companion and help-mate in the numerous adventures we share both upon the planet Earth and throughout the vast reaches of Space and Time.

Katrina and I had hurried to New York City that day when we had heard of this monster’s sudden appearance in the downtown area. It was about fifteen feet tall and grey like clay, but basically in the shape of a man. Forsooth, I recognised what the foul thing was as soon as I saw it.

It was a Golem.

Now, the Golem is a creature of what is most often termed Cabalistic Magic that can be used for good or evil according to the will of its creator. I wondered whom in the modern New York area could have the knowledge, power, and intent to create a Golem and then send it on a rampage through the City.

Whilst I was pondering over this, and also marvelling at the lack of any lasting effect my Algolitish energies had had on the Golem, Katrina flew upwards, propelled by her flame, and ejected a blast of her wonderful fire directly into the monstrosity’s stone-like face. It flinched somewhat, perhaps temporarily blinded by the dazzling effect of her magically combustive force. Before it could recover, I quickly sent several more bolts of my own powers directly at the terrible thing’s chest area, in fact directly to-wards the horrid, distorted hexagram that was carven there.

At this, the horrendous Golem stumbled and wobbled, then falling backwards with a resounding thud that cracked the pavement. It landed flat on its back.

However, as soon as it grew motionless, the monster was suddenly surrounded by a display of ebony-black energies, the very forces of that which is called the darkest magic of the Cabala. To my astonishment, the terrifying, gigantic Golem then quickly stood back up as if completely unharmed!

“Holy Flapdoodle!” exclaimed Katrina in astonishment as she still hovered before the monstrous Golem.

“Kat!” I shouted to her. “Look out!”

I began to levitate upwards to my wife in order to assist her, but before I could reach her the grotesque Golem had raised one of its horrid stone hands and had then physically slapped Katrina from the air before itself! She zoomed through the sky and crashed through the plate-glass side of one of the towering, near by skyscrapers.

My impulse was to then hit the Golem with all my power in righteous vengeance and indignation at what it had only then just done to my beloved spouse, but I also knew I must see to her safety, and so attempted to move towards the building into which she had so dramatically disappeared.

Before I could arrive there, however, the Golem itself moved in front of me, blocking my path. It appeared that, before I could help Kat, I would indeed be forced to find some way to defeat the fantastical Cabalistic creature!

Nevertheless, before the battle could continue, I heard a sound behind me. It was a strange, cackling laughter -- a laughter born of madness and unspeakable hatred more than mirth. Whilst not turning completely away from the threatening Golem, I moved my gaze slightly to the side in order to ascertain from whom this wicked chuckle was coming.

Strolling just into my field of vision was a man of thirty-something years of age; rather short and thin, with a slight growth of beard on his face. His exceedingly sallow countenance bespoke of narcotics use and addiction. A phantasmal shadow of the black halo of users of what is usually termed demonic magic shone about his head.

“Hello, Dr. Rumanos,” he said, “or should I say ‘shalom‘? I Hope you have enjoyed meeting my Golem, but allow me to introduce myself. My name is Regal Young.”

Regal Young, eh? Despite this obviously made-up name, I recognised this reprobate, or at least his visage. The problem was, I recognised him as someone who no longer existed in this world. I recognised him as Chezed Breswicz!!

This hideous individual formerly named Chezed Breswicz had indeed been dead for some time, his obscenely formless soul damned in that inter-dimensional prison known as Hell. This had in sooth been a just punishment for his sins, which had included the practice of dark sorceries and the utterly sinful seduction of an innocent fourteen-year-old girl. Truly, it had been my own powers that had sent him to his rightful Perdition in the first place[*].

[*This account is found in the story in our secret archives that is called “The Sign of Phwoar”.]

Nevertheless, what should have been eternal condemnation for the execrable and reprehensible Mr. Breswicz ended abruptly after the most recent battle between me and my arch-foe “Bishop” James Short, who had attempted to drag me bodily into that very same Hell of the Damned[*]!

[*For the full details of this, see the Weird Adventures tale entitled “The Hand of Bishop James Short”]

Whilst beginning to plunge onto Gehenna (an experience that has had many lasting effects upon me) I had briefly thought of the many souls that I had sent there over the past years of my bizarre career, and that of Chezed Breswicz had indeed been one of the worst. This thought, coming as it did from my superior Algolitish consciousness, had been enough for Breswicz to grab an hold of and to use in order to energise his satanic spirit and thereby reconstitute his bodily form and somehow then eventually crawl out of Hell!

Thus returning to Earth, the execrable and obscenely perverted miscreant Chezed Breswicz had gone back to his old stomping-grounds of the so-called “Big Apple” -- New York City and, thinking it indeed his best course of action to somewhat hide his grotesque homecoming, had rather audaciously changed his name to “Regal Young” (he had in actuality wanted his first name to be “Royal”, but discovered that this would give him the exact same moniker as an indie punk rock band from California. Even the horrid and sickening Breswicz, with all his obvious insanity, was just not quite stupid enough to do such a thing as that).

Now so renamed, Regal Young had proceeded to write a book that he entitled Fame Predator, in which he detailed his pathologically obsessive desire to obtain renown at any cost, as well as his perverse predilection for “underage rich girls” -- whom he claimed to like chiefly because he could get them to “pay for taxis“. Regal Young had even succeeded in finding a publisher for this revoltingly grotesque literary effort, a rather small Manhattan-based firm that called itself SunScope Publications, whose chief executive officer was an exceedingly disgusting middle-aged woman known as Mrs. Deborah Brozenglatt (though the latter tended to actually spend most of her time vacationing in Israel with the money that she had inherited from her late gangster husband).

Utilising this as a further springboard to supposed celebrity, Regal Young had then gone on to become the editor-in-chief of a magazine known as Honey Drips, which was published by a mentally-disturbed young woman named Ronita Pintos. This Miss Ronita Pintos had founded the publication (which was electronically available on the internet and for free in print in a few NYC cafes and salons) by way of utilising the money she had made after working as an assistant set designer on a big-budget sci-fi motion picture that had been partially filmed in the City.

Along with his absolutely putrid attempts at literary efforts, the detestable Regal Young had soon returned to his former practice of Cabalistic black magic, having indeed learned much more of this awful art during his time spent in Hell. In time he even completed the formulae for the creation of the Golem, and it is this horrid creature that he -- with seemingly no greater goal whatsoever than hoping to make a big media splash out of the ensuing chaos -- had unleashed on New York’s unsuspecting downtown area that very fateful day!

(Katrina and I had ourselves been off-world for a brief while, visiting my home planet of Daemonia, ninety-three light-years distant from Earth,  in order to call on our son, Prince-Regent Ehrich, and his lovely bride, Princess Flavia of the noble family Fosforus, as well as our dear little daughter, Karen, who was pursuing her education at the Daemonian Academy. Whilst away, we had thereby missed the warning signs of the evil Regal Young‘s rise to horrid infamy, and now indeed, as agents of the Kosmikos, had to deal with the results.)

“My ascendancy to fame has finally begun, Rumanos,” screeched the felonious Regal Young to me, “and you will not stop me this time! I am New York born-and-bred! Lower East Side!!”

Do you realise the horror, the ungodly and absolutely extreme terror of this situation, my dear readers? There I was, on that thoroughfare in New York City, trapped between the wickedly immoral black magician now known as Regal Young -- with the dark halo of obscenely phantasmagorical satanic sorcery beginning to grow stronger about his perverse and perfidious person -- and the gigantic monstrosity that he had created to do his evil bidding; that monster of terror known to legend and infamy as the result of the unholy act of giving life to a shapeless mass of clay.

That horror known as -- THE GOLEM!!!

“I’m settling scores today, Rumanos!” shouted the madman called Regal Young as he prepared to unleash an ungodly blast of Klippothic black sorcery at me.

I turned slightly to observe the Golem behind me. It was standing motionless as a guard, blocking me from gaining any ground on its master.

“I wish my mother was here to sing me lullabies,” continued Regal Young in his madness. “But when I realise she isn’t, I want to dig up her corpse and mutilate it!”

With this horrid thought, he released the eldritch magical energies directly towards me, laughing maniacally all the while as the black powers of unholy horror streamed from him.

I utilised my Algolitish powers as a defence -- surrounding my person with bright orange and blue virtue in order to deflect the harmful effects of Regal Young’s sorcery.

“You had best surrender,” I told him as calmly as possible considering the circumstances. “You cannot win against the supreme powers of Algolite Privilege.”

“No, Daniel Rumanos!” he screeched. “No no no no nooooo!! I am Regal Young! I am the Fame Predator! I am the Chosen! The Sexual Shark! True, the first time I ever kissed a girl, she vomited. But still…!”

“You,” I replied, “are a lunatic and a paedophile.”

“I’m not a paedophile!” he screamed in reply. “I can’t help it if hot young girls throw themselves at me because they think I might secretly be a rich eccentric! You probably haven’t even read my frigging book!”

“Really, has anybody?” I replied.

“Oy gevalt!” bellowed Regal Young in agony. “My dad used to say that everybody hates us, and he was right! You are jealous of me, you frigging arsehole! You… you dirty…!”

“Oy, and what would you have to be jealous of then?”

“I’m an artist and a poet!” he ejaculated. “Listen to this one, Rumanos! Listen! Listen! Listen! --

“We seek him here, we seek him there;
Those Shaitans seek him everywhere;
With Heaven’s Hell, so near yet so far;
That damned elusive Daemon-Star!!”

Regal Young accompanied this with yet another tremendous blast of his black magic forces. Using my own powers only as defence was indeed greatly limiting me. I had to return fire upon this villain before he succeeded in doing any real damage. However, I was certain that when I did that the horrendous, gigantic Golem that served him would immediately enter the fray against me.

Do you understand the absolute unnameable terror of this situation, my dear readers?! I do indeed hope, for the sake of your ongoing sanity and inner peace, that you actually do not!

“I had a dream, Daniel Rumanos,” my incredibly delusional foe continued insanely. “I had a dream that a group of transvestite methadone addicts went to a spa after hours and used the therapeutic baths. I want to play mah-jongg with Bubbe! Hahahahahahahahaha!”

Then, before the horrible occult criminal could yet against blast me with his obscenely ebon sorceries, I let loose a powerful charge of my awesome Algolite powers directly to-wards him. The bright, flashing energies of this hit him hard, causing him to stagger backwards a few yards. I perceived, however, that it would take a several more shots of Algolitish force to totally disable him. Would I be able to achieve this, before…?

As if in answer to my unspoken query, the monstrous, giant Golem lurched forward and began to reach down to-wards me, its horrid stone-like hands ready to crush me in order to protect its Cabalistic Master -- that notorious, unspeakably evil, grotesquely perverted, utterly mad, and disgustingly godless individual known to infamy as Regal Young!

Blooming blimming blooming Hell.

“I once saw some ludicrous girl doing yoga on a filthy airport carpet,” rambled on the insane Regal Young as he shook off the effects of my blast. “I’m sure she was just trying to get my attention. That child and her homework or whatever it was. We are all animals at the airport.

“I am the wielder of Cabalistic Power,” the paranormal paedophile continued. “Just call me… GOLEMFINGER!!!”

At that very moment, just as the hideous Golem was reaching for me -- indeed intending to crush me with its gigantic hands, the huge monstrosity was suddenly hit from the side by a wondrous mystical fire of shimmering vermillion and violet hues! It was that fantastical flame of my beautiful Katrina, who had now recovered from being thrown through the side of the building. She flew across the city sky, her lithe figure propelled by her fire like a sexy little meteor, with her gorgeous ginger hair flowing behind her and her pure white skin glowing in the light of the setting sun.

The gigantic Golem quaked and stumbled from the sudden pummelling of Kat’s flame. Whilst it was thus occupied, I turned back to the execrable maniac, that revoltingly perverted occult criminal known as Regal Young, and sent continued volleys of my Algolitish energies at him as I intoned the appropriate words to banish his ungodly forces of black wizardry:

“Te exorcismo het serpente spermius, in nomine Tetragrammaton et Yahshua! Be gone, spirit of antichrist! I, Daniel Rumanos, by the most awesome supremacy of the Watchers of Algol and by the divine and angelic heritage of the Aeturnusians, do hereby command you!!”

And indeed, at my call, the lunatic self-named Mr. Regal “Golemfinger” Young, would-be Cabalistic Rabbi Extraordinaire, screamed and fell prostrate upon the concrete in a faint, as the demoniacally wicked powers of false magic left him.

Katrina had by now alighted by my side, and we both looked back at the Golem. With its master’s powers now exorcised, the thing had reverted to its original, lifeless clay, which had then immediately crumbled into a pile of harmless fragments.

Dusk was by now creeping over New York City, and Kat and I ducked into a near by alleyway whilst the sound of sirens approached. It was the police department, who proceeded to arrest Regal Young on charges of creating a disturbance and of public intoxication. I thought it for the best if we did not stay to answer any questions concerning the matter, even from the ever-stalwart and dedicated NYPD.

Of course, innocent bystanders who claimed to have witnessed the Golem and numerous flashing powers of magical force were summarily dismissed as jokers or as simply mistaken.

Meanwhile, I hugged and kissed my lovely wife joyfully; holding her warm, perfect form close to me, there in the cool darkness of the alley.

“I am so glad you are all right, sweetheart!” said I. “It worried me so that you might have been seriously hurt!”

“Awww,” Katrina answered sweetly. “I’m all right. Besides, we’re both immortal, remember?”

“Oh, that is right,” I replied. “I still do sometimes forget that we are immortal. I say, darling, you know what?”

“What is it, babe?”

“We are not too far from Chinatown. Would you like to have dinner there? Something about this experience has given me a craving for dim sum.”

“Sounds great!” she replied happily, her beautiful eyes flashing like pale sapphires. “I love you so much, Daniel.”

“I love you too,” I told her, “my sweet little Kit Kat bar.”

“Awwwww!”

DANIEL RUMANOS SHALL RETURN